Emails I Have Not Yet Received

I check my email often, looking for responses to job applications and writing submissions. Here are some other emails I am waiting for:

• Notification from Revenue Canada that my last two tax returns were incorrectly calculated, and they owe me a refund of $437.50. Funds will be deposited in my bank account next week.
• Short note from Alison. She claims to have sat behind me in grade eight, and used to imagine me naked. She reassures me that she’s not weird or stalking me, is happily married, and has three grandchildren. She just wanted me to know how much my presence brightened up English class, and that thinking of me was an important part of her teenage years.
• Urgent note from Atlantic Lottery. I need to contact them as soon as possible. The $10 ticket I cashed last year was actually worth $10,000.
• Letter from a lawyer in France, claiming I am the sole heir to a wealthy childless couple, due to a complex family tree involving a twice divorced cousin and an Aunt I always suspected of having a secret lover. A cheque for the cash portion of the estate will be arriving shortly, and could I please put them in touch with my lawyer to arrange the property transfer for the vacation villa in Greece.
• A contract offer from Penguin books, for three books, using some of my blog postings as starting points. The contract includes a ghost writer to provide assistance.
• A densely worded note from a law firm in Toronto. As a result of a class action suit, I am entitled to a full refund of all repair costs relating to a car I sold for scrap over ten years ago. I just need to send them copies of my receipts. If I don’t have the receipts, I can only get $3000.
• Anything from my children.
• An offer from a gay porn studio, to perform a cameo role in “Bears in the Hood.” Apparently my picture on Tumblr is popular, and not as anonymous as I thought it was. No pay, but they are offering an all expenses paid weekend in New York.
• An apology from Tilda Swinton. Although she remains unavailable for lunch, in hindsight she wishes her lawyers had referred to me as a ‘devoted fan’ and not a ‘deranged stalker.’
• An invitation to travel to Vancouver, with all expenses paid, in order to receive an honorary doctorate from Simon Fraser University. They are aware that I might prefer the competing offer from the University of British Columbia, but are hoping I will select them. I have not heard from UBC, and have no idea what this is about, but it would be rude to refuse.
• A fawning email from a young Russian woman, who found me online and was immediately smitten with me. In broken English, she apologizes for her broken English, and hopes to meet me soon, as I am a good man, and she is lonely.

Update – I have received the last one (with a picture!), and Revenue Canada has contacted me. They’ll arrange my deposit as soon as I give them my bank account details.